Day 19 – Am I ready to commit yet?

Silly, isn’t it? I’ve been on this diet for nearly 3 weeks and lost 18lbs, but I still haven’t actually committed to it – I still weigh in at Weight Watchers as a security blanket (even though that’s failed me numerous times in the past), and I still haven’t set longer term goals.

But I think I’m ready now. I actually believe this is possible and I’m ready to leave Weight Watchers and commit to this. Really, this came about at the meeting on Wednesday. There was only two of us. Scales clocked up a fab 7lbs loss for me, taking me under 12 stone for the first time in a long time (keep meaning to write a history of my dieting blog but haven’t got round to it yet), and we looked at thought records. I told my counsellor I had something to confess – from the look on her face she was expecting me to say I’d eaten a 3 course meal (which I guess she hears quite a lot), and was surprised when I said I had been weighing in at Weight Watchers.

She asked me why, and here are my reasons:

• Security, if I can’t complete LL again, then I feel like I’ve got somewhere to go
• Maintenance, if I don’t want to do LL Route to Management (RTM)
• Extra weigh in – this keeps me off the scales at home and provides me with added incentive at the weekend when I’m liable to struggle

She offered me a Saturday drop-in, which sealed the deal for me as I’ve already decided I’ll do better on LL RTM than on Weight Watchers maintenance plan (failed at that before too…) It’ll also save awkward questions from the WW Leader as to why I’m losing weight quite so fast…

As a result I’m saving a bit of money and now weighing in on a Wednesday. My 17 day loss was 18lbs.

 

Sleep deprivation…

I’ve been sleep training the girls this week, so sleep has been awful. It used to be that my youngest regularly cried at around 3am, and I, taking the easy route, just picked her up and took her into my bed. A few weeks ago, her sister started waking as well so I’d end up with both of them in my bed and therefore no more sleep for the rest of the night (I don’t like cuddling whilst sleeping, I need my space, plus they kick A LOT). So I told them that they’d have to stay in their own beds all night, and if they did, they could have something from the goodie box (a collection of random kiddy things that I pick up for under £1). The 4 year old understood, and although she keeps waking, she doesn’t cry if I don’t pick her up. The 2 yr old screams her head off – first night for 2 hours (huge apologies to my lodger the next morning, the second night for 1 hour and last night for 15 mins. I don’t leave them alone during this time, but sit next to their beds and occasionally say reassuring things. I’ll also cuddle them but I won’t get into their beds.

The only problem is that just as I’m making significant progress, they’re off to spend the night with their dad. I really need this nights sleep, and the accompanying lie in (they haven’t spent the night at his for 4 weeks), but I know they’ll be in his bed before the night’s out, and I’ll be faced with screams of “I want my daddy” at 3am. Oh well.

I’m pleased that I’m managing to stay on track through all of this as sleep deprivation is often my downfall, diet wise.

 

Working through Foundation Week 1

Well, in foundation week 1, you don’t actually get the book! That’s in week 2. You get a little pamphlet called Your First Week (or something equally creative). I can’t find that little booklet so I’m going to go through the introduction pages of the main LL book today. So here’s what’s in there:

> Lots of success stories (too brief for my liking, I’m much more interested in the nitty gritty of how they did it!)

> The rules of the plan:

• Four food packs a day (soups and shakes until day 3 when one bar a day can be introduced), totalling around 530 calories (eat within 15 mins of making up, don’t “cook” more than one sachet a day, don’t include water used to make them up in your 4 litres)
• Four litres of water a day (still, sparkling or soda)
• Unlimited LL water flavours (at a huge £17 a pot, mind you, I bought two and they’re still going strong, and they are yummy)
• Unlimited black tea from leaf – standard black teas plus green tea and peppermint tea (NO fruit teas, flower teas or berry teas)
• Unlimited black coffee
• Unlimited tablet sweeteners (NO powdered sweetener)
• Unlimited pepper, tobasco sauce and moderate amounts of salt to add to food packs
• Unlimited toothpaste & mouthwash (!)
• Moderated breath freshener spray (NO breath freshener pills or sugar free gum / mints)
• Medication: that prescribed by GP, painkillers, decongestant spray, oils / drops for colds (NO cough remedies with sugar added)
• Nothing containing citric acid (e.g. slice of lemon in water)
• No additional vitamin and mineral supplements

> Some talk about your internal chatterbox and positive thinking to overcome it. “Bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.” – Abraham Lincoln

> BMI: LL don’t accept anyone with a BMI of less than 29 (30 is obese). Mine, at the start, was nearly 32! Shocking! At last weigh in, it was down to 29.18, so I’m no longer obese! Yay. Just overweight. If I do lose 3 stone by Christmas, that’ll take me to a BMI of 24.5 – the higher end of normal. If I want to lose further weight, then I anticipate doing it very gradually. Check out your BMI (with a groovy little picture that gains and loses weight) here.

> Lots of stuff about obesity and why you should lose weight for health reasons. I have to be honest here and say that health is not my primary motivator. Even at my largest, I’ve always been reasonably fit (fit enough to jog 3 miles and walk endlessly), and I haven’t (touch wood) had any serious health problems. However, binge eating is more unhealthy than being obese, and I am definitely a culprit. Ditto addictive eating. So whilst I primarily, at the moment, want to tackle my weight for appearance, self esteem and confidence, once I’m lower down the scale, health and energy will take on more of a priority.

Gillian Riley, in her book about overeating, believes the only way to overcome addictive eating is to stop focussing on weight as a motivator. Lets face it, most of us would lose more weight if we could, even if we got to our goal. She asks you to list the other motivators to overcome overeating, besides losing weight. After LL I intend to follow her book to get my eating soundly on track – make no mistake, I don’t think LL is changing my eating habits. I may be looking at the reasons behind why I overeat in far more depth, I know how easy it will be to slip back into old habits.

So here’s my other reasons for wanting to stop overeating, in no particular order:

• Money (it actually costs quite a lot to binge, and when I am “starting a diet tomorrow”, which can go on for months, I eat out a lot too)
• Energy – binge eating and focussing on food all the time is draining. Eating till feeling physically sick makes me bloated and uncomfortable.
• Getting fitter – I know I’m okay fitness wise, because I’m active on a daily basis (have to be as a single parent of two under 5), but I also know that overeating makes me avoid activity so simply stopping would work wonders!
• Feeling better about myself – this isn’t just about weight, this is about having a selection of nice clothes that fit regardless of size
• Not being scared of being in public – particularly through upset stomachs. When I did WW previously, I binged every WI day, and ended up with terrible smelling wind for the next two days. I was also teaching at the time and was terrified of smelling in front of the class – not good!
• Feeling comfortable with my eating! I know there’s no such thing, but I’d love to go out for a meal and not have to worry about whether the portion I’m taking is too big / small / wonder what everyone else is eating and whether I can do the same.
• Being obsessed with food: When I’m in full on binge mode, I’m obsessed with eating – have I got enough sweet stuff (e.g. Haribo) at home to last me the evening (can’t go out once the kids are in bed), will I be able to eat what I want to eat with the lodger around (probably not is the answer)
• Feeling less tired – quite often, I stay up late to eat junk just because its there and I can’t eat as much during the day because the kids are around / lodger’s around etc. And staying up late to eat sugar and other junk means I don’t sleep well at all. Also want to break my dependence on sugar to get me through a tired day (e.g. if kids haven’t been sleeping well)
• Setting a good example for my girls. They don’t really notice what I eat at the moment (they haven’t commented on the fact that I’ve been sitting down for soup with them instead of solids for every meal in the last 17 days – does this say something about my erratic eating habits before?) Also I tend to feed them worse if I’m on a fat day (more takeaways etc. and if they see me eating sweets & chocolate, they want some too)
• Enjoying my food. When I’m full and still eating, I really don’t enjoy the taste, I’m just wolfing it down. If I’m actually hungry e.g. on a diet, food tastes so much better.

So actually, quite a few non-weight reasons, then. Interesting.

Back to the LL book…

> Obviously lots about why VLCDs have been shown to be safe etc. although – if you’ve got to week two and got this book, either you’ve already considered the safety or you’re prioritising weight loss above safety.

> Nutritional info

> Strategies for success (things to say when you don’t want to accept food – some are lame, but some are quite useful. If you’re on LL, and don’t want to eat but don’t want to ‘fess up to being on this diet, try:

• I’m on a medically supervised diet so can’t have that
• I have toothache
• I’m not hungry
• No thank you (!)
• I’m making lots of lifestyle changes
• I had such a big dinner last night, I’m still feeling full
• I’m eating out later
• I’m losing weight and don’t eat anything til after 6pm
• I’m driving so I’m sticking to water
• I’ve already eaten

And the ones not in the book:

• I’m having an operation tomorrow so have to abstain from food for 12/24 hrs before (bit extreme!)
• I’ve just had root canal surgery and it REALLY hurts! Liquids only please!
• I have IBS and the doctor has advised me to fast for 24 hrs, so that then I can test my tolerance levels of certain foods.
• I can’t eat 24 hrs before my period, it makes me feel really sick (useful for blokes – they never want to ask questions about that!)
• I had such a big night out last night, I feel sick at the thought of food!
• I’ve got an upset stomach.

Okay, so most of mine are downright lies, but they’re more believable than some of the LL ones…

Or you could just say…I’m on a diet (shock!) and face the annoying comments about VLCDs, you know the ones (it can’t be good for you, you’ll put it all back on and more, I know someone who did that and got gallstones etc. etc. etc.)

I’m going to stop here. I’ll do more another day but this is wearing me out and I have work to do! Still, I found it incredibly useful to write all this and am feeling very inspired now!

 

Day 17 – It’s Wednesday again!

Wednesday and Saturday are my favourite days! Wednesday is my Lighter Life meeting. It’s also a weigh in day, but I don’t count this one. Firstly because my first LL weigh in was 10 days after I started, and I lost at least 10lbs in that time (and I’m not going to discount that!), its an evening weigh in and once I leave this diet I fully intend to carry on losing weight, but I won’t have these weigh ins. The great thing about my Sat weigh in is that as well as being first thing, its with Weight Watchers, so regardless of diet, for £4.16 a week (on monthly pass), I can get weighed in. It feels like a bit of a waste at the mo, but I won’t be on LL beyond Christmas (if I choose to go that far).

Anyway, so its another Wednesday, which gives me added confidence and a boing in my step because I know I’m going to make it through today. Which begs the question – do I think I’m not? I guess I must. How bad is that! That means (and I’m working this out whilst I type, so bear with me!), that deep down I think one day I’m just going to throw this diet in and binge. That is not good. So how do I get away from this thinking? I don’t really know, so I’ve posted a message onto the minimins forums to see what other LLers think.

In addition, to give these thought processes a bit of a boost, I’m going to go through the LL foundation book. Because I’ve never got past week 3 before, and I’m now in refreshers rather than the abstinence programme, I haven’t touched on the rest of the book. We do go through the counselling in the refreshers meeting but its revisiting and much of it I haven’t visited the first time. It’ll also give me a challenge to focus on for the next 14 days. There’s 14 weeks to the programme, so I’m going to try and do a week a day. I may not succeed, but its no bad thing if it goes on a bit longer. That’ll take me up to mid-late November, and hopefully at least another 7lbs off!

Re non weight strokes – I can see a bit of a change around my tummy and ribcage, but not significantly round my thighs or bottom (I know its early days!). My trousers are slightly looser (I’ve only got two pairs that fit at the moment, one of the reasons I so desperately wanted to lose weight, I just hated the thought of having to go and buy size 18 trousers so I was squeezing, and I mean squueeezzzzziiiiinnnggg myself into size 16 jeans and black trousers. I was scared to wash the jeans because it is so hard to fit into them when they’re freshly washed, and I had a fabulous muffin top with the black trousers and couldn’t wear anything tight on top. Now the jeans fit ok, and the trousers fit ok but a little tight round the bum. So that’s progress. I guess its about half a dress size down because 18s would be too big but not all 16s will fit.

I have promised myself that whatever weight I get to by 19th December, I will go clothes shopping for the day on my own (without the children). I need to recognise and reward my hard work, and accept that from then through Christmas and into 2009, weight loss will be slower as I’ll be focusing on beating my addiction to food rather than losing weight, and I certainly won’t be doing LL (unless I choose to do RTM, which I may well do, but it’ll still result in slower weight loss, if any).

Anyway, I’ll post later when I work through week 1 of the LL programme!

 

Day 15 – Back on track

So today was going to be the day I quit, if I still felt as crap as I did yesterday. Thank god I didn’t! I had a real bounce in my step all day, no signs of tiredness, fatigue, or hunger at all! I’m delighted. It means I may yet make it to Saturday’s WI, a total loss of 10% of my body weight (hopefully, if I lose 3.5lbs or more), and a drop down into the next stone bracket (if I lose 3lbs or more).

I also ‘fessed up to two of my closest friends today. I wasn’t planning on telling them, but one I was having lunch with, and didn’t want to lie, and the other could tell I was glowing, even though neither of them mentioned my weight loss (either they didn’t notice or its a case of been there, regained it, don’t want to encourage / embarass her!).

One kindly said there was no way I had 3 stone to lose, so how could I be on LL (which is true as of today, as I’ve already lost a stone, but not two weeks ago!)

Both were incredibly supportive, and non judgemental, but I’d expect nothing less, as they are wonderful, lovely people.

 

Day 14: Tested to the limit…and out the other side

Day 14 was my worst day yet – oh how I’ve struggled. There has been a large tin of Roses calling me all day. I got them in for Halloween, normally I get jelly type sweets (Haribo, yum!) but knew I’d never resist them, so I bought a tin of Roses as I knew everyone else would delight in eating them and could therefore get rid of them in a hurry. But they’re haunting me! I’ve felt so fatigued all day today, could barely get off the sofa. I recalled all the advice I’ve read of late (in particular Gillian Riley’s Eating Less – think of the consequences of the action, its your choice, but weigh up what choice you really want to make). I analysed my feelings, tried to work out what this need for food really meant (it seemed to mean I’m knackered, I haven’t had an unbroken sleep in months, if not years, and without sugar to prop me up, I was a gonna…) Tried to have a nap but the girls weren’t having any of it. Which left me feeling desperate. Chatterbox on full throttle:

“Go on, no-one will know, you can start again tomorrow…”

“You need it, the girls are relying on you, you can’t spend the whole of half term on the sofa”

“You can give up this insane diet now, and start a proper one in the morning”

“Tomorrow’s a new day, what difference will half a day make etc.”

But Gillian (who I must keep rereading, she’s stood me in good stead this time), says that to face your addictions and break the pattern you have to face your cravings and take control of them. This stuck out for me. It made me think, if I don’t face this head on now, when will I? What will make this attempt to lose weight any different than any of my previous attempts? Where will I be tomorrow? Just starting yet another diet? Is that really where I want to be? The answer had to be no.

Somehow, I resolved that if I still felt drained tomorrow, I’d start eating healthily then, not just launch into a post-LL binge that will take me back to stage one (not weight wise, but mentally).

Here’s how I got through it (I think I’ll be needing to refer to this again!)

1. Thought before action: Think of the consequences, of what I want in the medium term not just immediately.

2. Remember, anything worth achieving doesn’t come easily

3. Drink 1 – 1.5 litres water

4. Have a food pack

5. Put on loud music and dance! (or be active, lethargy breeds more lethargy)

6. Set a time at which you’ll eat again, then forget about food – get busy, get distracted, go out (somewhere where there’s no food)

7. Allow yourself the choice of giving up the diet – just not at that moment. If you really don’t want to continue, then you shouldn’t, but don’t make the decision in the heat of the moment. Set a time by which if things haven’t improved, you will make a rational, adult decision not to continue. Next day was ideal for me.

And I’m so grateful for all the books I’ve been reading at the moment. In particular, as mentioned, Gillian Riley and her approach to food as an addiction. Once I’ve finished LL and feel my weight is more under control, I want to try her approach to eating.

Biggest lessons learnt today?

1. I can control this. I have choices, I don’t just have to run to the fridge at the first sign of a problem.

2. I think I eat to prevent tiredness. I’ve had a series of bad nights with the children. Prior to LL I’d use sugar to boost me through a tired day. LL of course says don’t eat through your feelings, if you’re tired, for example, take a nap. Not quite as easy as that when you’ve got a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old running around! But eating my way through tiredness is not the best way to go, so I need to find another way around it. It’s a hugely positive step though, that I am recognising what’s going on rather than mindlessly numbing with food.

 

Days 12 & 13 – 2nd Weigh In

Yes! Good news all round at the moment.

Nearly didn’t make it to WI on Saturday morning, car wouldn’t start, but fortunately I have a huge tricycle that takes both my children on the back, so I strapped them in, and off we went – was only 10 mins late too. Anyway, lost 5lbs! That makes a total of 14 and a half pounds in 13 days, fantastic!

I also whizzed past my dreaded day 12 (dropped out twice at this stage before). What’s different this time? I’m not sure. I can tell you that I’ve had none of the problems I had before – I had no side effects in the first 5 days, previously I had headaches, hunger and fatigue. Also, the last two times at and around day 12 I had extreme fatigue, hard to deal with whe you’ve got two kids. Plus I didn’t have the resolve I do this time because I wasn’t expecting to have to deal with side effects that late on (was expecting it all in the first week – so be warned, it may happen later!), and also because I was doing the full 100 days abstinence, and although I didn’t realise it, my rebellious child couldn’t take the pressure and rebelled!

 

Day 10 – LLC made me cry!

Well well well. Today was a revalation, and I’m on a real high.

I knew today wasn’t going to be easy – 4 kiddies plus parents for a tea party involving all my favourite foods. We decided to hold a birthday party for D and his kids – sausage rolls (hot from the oven, the smell was amazing!), crisps, white bread (a weakness of mine, I don’t usually have it in unless I’m binging), home made chocolate cake and more. Yum! Resolve wavered at times, but never truly left me. LL really helps in the fact that you have no decisions to make and you’re not hungry. When I was on WW (as one of the mums present was) I would have saved my points for the party, spent at least an hour calculating what food I could afford on my meagre points budget, been hungry from the start, would almost certainly have exceeded my planned food allowance and then thrown caution to the wind.

The mum present who was doing WW nibbled the whole way through, justifying it because it was her WI day, she’d already been weighed so had a week to make up for it. If it works for her, then I have absolutely no criticisms, but the last time I did WW successfully I religiously followed the plan and exercised all week and then ate like someone possessed after WI, only to start all over again the next day. I spent at least 2 days after WI day feeling crap because I’d troughed so much food (bloated stomach, difficulty sleeping etc.), and was now trying to exercise it off like crazy.

I was exhausted by the end of the day, particularly after running around in the park for half an hour, and once I’d got the kids to bed I wasn’t feeling full of bounce for my first LL meeting. I’m attending the refreshers meeting so you never quite know who’s going to be there, but I was the first. Weighed in at another pound and a half down (which was great because my official WI was four days ago but first thing in the morning, so I can probably add a bit more loss onto that).

But even better was the meeting. There were six other ladies, one very nice, inspiring one right next to me who had lost over 9 stone in 8 months doing LL 3 years ago, put just over half back on and was now working towards losing that again. She was the opposite of me in that she preferred to look long term – she signed up for x weeks and stuck to it rigidly. I however like to take one day at a time, making sure I choose each morning whether I want to stick to this. I find it so much easier to think, okay, so I’m choosing not to have a sausage roll (for example) today, because I know I can have it tomorrow, so what’s the point? And then the next day I make other choices.

Anyway, in talking to her I found myself mentioning the word choice a lot, but didn’t think anything of it. In the group, we were discussing the Cycle of Change (more about that in another blog otherwise this one is going to be mammoth!), and somehow got on to how many packs people had a day. Many were saying that they struggled to eat all their packs and I commented on how important I felt it was to eat all of them, as I’m sure that contributed to my failure last time. I explained, saying how I used to eat 3 and a half packs instead of 4, partly so if I felt hungry I had extra packs I could chose to eat, but mainly because I wanted a choice in flavour at the end of the week. LLC picked up on this immediately, why was choice so important to me? This, combined with my need to choose every day to do the diet, rather than committing to it on a longer term basis, she said, showed I had issues with choice. My reaction? I burst into tears…I really didn’t expect to or know that was coming!

Anyway, we didn’t discuss it much more as I was quite emotional, but she told me to go home and think about it some more, and ring her if I had anything I wanted to discuss (she’s amazing and lovely, our LLC). I’ve done some thinking about it although I’m not convinced I’ve got to the bottom of this. I know I was crying in class because I realised how trapped I have felt since my partner of 14 yrs, husband of 7 yrs, left last December. I have two small children and therefore my choices in what I can now do are severely curtailed, and I feel under pressure the whole time – to make sure they’re ok, to make sure they’re doing lots of stuff and being fully developed properly, to not be bitter and resentful when they’re around, to make myself attractive etc. partly for my self esteem, partly to spite him and show the world I’m okay and partly to attract a new partner when I’m ready. And other things I’m sure.

I love my children to bits, don’t get me wrong, and I would never every give up custody of them, and I certainly don’t resent them for anything (although the same cannot be said of my ex husband) but obviously there’s more going on in my head about this than I realised.

Of course choice is intertwined with control, so there’s issues there. And it can be a nuturing parent sort of thing (e.g. choosing which pack I shall have to reward myself), as well as a rebellious child sort of thing (which I have a lot of issues with – for example, thinking long term about this just seems to spark my rebellious child and I embark on an eating frenzy, which is partly what happened last time).

And of course there’s negative choice – for example, I’m chosing to quit this diet and stuff my face, which certainly isn’t from the adult ego state!

Anyway, there’s a lot of work still to be done there. As I said, I don’t think I’ve got to the crux of it yet but I do feel much much lighter and freer so I think it must have been a significant breakthrough. I think the next stage might be to make a list of things I feel I have choice over in my life, and things I don’t. Another day, though.

 

Day 9 – I’m still here!

Better today. I felt v. low in energy and stroppy this evening, but managed the day okay – painting this morning (including my white walls, argghhh!), shopping followed by lunch at McDonalds (black coffee and water for me), then the theatre for a kiddies performance. I forgot to take a pack out and don’t have any bars left so had to wait til 3.30pm for my lunch. It wasn’t too bad. But I was very snappy this evening and am hungry now sitting here typing this, but I’ve got one pack left so I’m off to get it in a minute.

I’m impressed by the way I’m resisting food at the mo. It does make me think, maybe it is physiological more than psychological that breaks my diet, more support for the sugar is evil theory?

After my struggle yesterday, I posted on the discussion boards on the LL Community Forum about how to speed up time, as although I’m busy, it’s dragging on this diet. Surely I must be nearly there? Or at least have dropped a dress size!

WI at LL tomorrow (eve though, so that’ll make a difference). I’m looking foward to it. I bet my LL Counsellor (LLC) thinks I’m not going to turn up – I just stopped suddenly without notice the last two times – how rude is that?

 

Day 8 – Post food struggle

Actually, that probably should read post run struggle. This morning I felt awful, completely lethargic. I had my breakfast shake early to see if it would give me a boost, but that just made the day feel very very long. I spent most of the day on the sofa, which was depressing because it was one of my few days alone with my eldest since she’s now on half term, and I wanted to do special things with her.

I think it was because I went running – which drained my body. Although it could be because I broke abstinence and came out of ketosis (didn’t check with ketostix so don’t know if I actually did). The worst day so far, and not helped by my decision to do something fun with my eldest – I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said make biscuits. Chocolate chip cookies to be precise – the smell was gorgeous, but I resisted. Pat on the back and fingers crossed things improve.